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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.