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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.