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SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.