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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.