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I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.