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Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...