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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....