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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.