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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I’m sad when my food is over.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.