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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
I dare you to spit on this status.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.