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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?