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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)