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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.