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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?