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Vodka is just amazing water.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
All milk is breast milk.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.