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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.