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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.