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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.