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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!