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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate