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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
"Iām not drunk!ā is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means Iām not the only one asking google stupid questions.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
This recliner and I go way back.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.