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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.