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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.