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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.