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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...