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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.