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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
is spending my children´s inheritance.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.