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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.