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I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.