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I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
This status has been censored by Facebook
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.