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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.