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All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!