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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.