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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."