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I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.