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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.