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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?