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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.