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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.