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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?