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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...