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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.