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I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!