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Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"