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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.