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The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"