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Screw it, Iām starting Friday now.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Iām better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if Iām not sure what it means
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.