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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.