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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.