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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.