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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
This status has been censored by Facebook
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.