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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.