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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.