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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
heyy lol
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls