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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?