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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
i just accidentally used AOL online, im betting the workers there are celebrating and think they have a chance in the future. lol
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.