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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Some people should come with subtitles.