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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.