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My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.