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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...