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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well