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You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.