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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?