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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?