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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.