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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.