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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
If you ever disappeared while hiking, Iād remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
Iām starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
wants to rock and roll all night
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds