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I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.