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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Legally,It´s questionable. Morally,It´s disgusting. Personally,I like it.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"