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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."