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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.