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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Which wine goes best with more wine?
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.