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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.