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Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"