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Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.