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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?