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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.