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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
Mondays are middle finger approved
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.