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People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”