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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...