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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people