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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.